Language & Emotion Coaching · 18 months to 5 years

Ask How the Character Feels

Talk about feelings when nobody is upset. In a book, ask them how the character feels and why, instead of telling them.

The moment

It's the fourth night of the same picture book. On one page the little bear has dropped his ice cream. You usually read straight past it to get to the end.

What to say

Four ways to say it. Research doesn't rank these against each other, so pick the one that sounds like you.

Emotion Coaching · Stop on the page and ask

"Oh no. Look at his face. How do you think he feels? … Yeah. Sad. Why's he sad?"

You invite them to name and explain the feeling.

Montessori / Respectful · Point, wait, and let them tell you

(Point at the bear's face and wait.) "What do you see? … Mm. His ice cream's on the ground."

Observation first; the child does the noticing.

Connection First · Ask what would help

"He dropped it. How's he feeling? … What could his friend do to help him?"

Moves from the feeling to a kind thing someone could do.

Choices & Logic · Wonder out loud and leave it with them

"Hmm. I wonder how he's feeling right now. … What do you think he'll do?"

Curiosity with no right answer puts the thinking in their hands.

What's going on

Feelings are easier to think about when they belong to a bear in a book. Being asked makes a child do the working out, and that practice is there later for real faces.

What it looks like day to day

Pointing at a crying character, saying 'sad' for every feeling at first, then 'because' answers as they get older.

What the research supports

In two studies of toddlers aged 18 to 30 months, the children who helped and shared more readily had parents who, while reading picture books, more often asked the child to name and explain the characters' feelings; asking mattered more than the parent naming the feelings themselves (Brownell 2013). In a randomized trial with 216 parents of 4- and 5-year-olds, a program teaching parents to talk with children about emotions improved the children's understanding of feelings, and parents and teachers reported fewer behavior problems (Havighurst 2010). The first study shows a link, not cause.

Where it's your call

One question a book is plenty. Which book, and whether you also talk about your own day, is up to you.

Sources

Each one links to the paper. How we check them is on the sources page.

Brownell CA et al. (2013) · Infancy
Toddlers of 18–30 months who shared and helped more quickly and more often had parents who, while reading picture books, more often asked the child to name and explain the characters' feelings. Asking the child mattered more than the parent naming feelings.
Two observational studies · 29 children aged 18 and 24 months; 62 children aged 18 and 30 months
PubMed(opens in a new tab)
Havighurst SS et al. (2010) · Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry
Parents of 4- and 5-year-olds who took a six-session program on talking with children about emotions were later observed to name feelings and discuss their causes more. Their children's emotion knowledge improved, and parents and teachers reported fewer behavior problems.
Randomized controlled trial (waitlist control) · 216 parents of children aged 4–5
PubMed(opens in a new tab)

Hard moments land differently depending on how you were raised.

In the app, this guide comes with a short note for the pattern you'd like to leave behind, such as calm over anger, emotion validation, direct repair over silence and 9 more, and a new guide matched to your child's exact week. Free, no account, and nothing leaves your phone.

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This guide is parenting education, not medical advice. The scripts are examples to adapt, not tested treatments. If you're worried about your child's health or development, talk to your pediatrician.