Language & Emotion Coaching · 9 months to 4 years

Speak the Language You Speak Best, Even If It's Not English

Count the words in both languages together. Bilingual toddlers know about as many words in total as other children, split across two languages.

The moment

Your two-year-old says fewer English words than the other children at daycare. A relative says, 'You're confusing her with two languages. Just speak English at home.'

What to say

Four ways to say it. Research doesn't rank these against each other, so pick the one that sounds like you.

Emotion Coaching · Answer in your language, warmly

(She says "more milk" in English. In your own language:) "More milk? You're thirsty today. Here you go."

You accept what she said in whichever language it came, and keep yours flowing.

Montessori / Respectful · Name real things in your language as you do them

(In your own language, while cooking:) "This is an onion. I'm peeling it. Smell."

Language attached to real objects and real work, in the tongue you know best.

Connection First · Give the relative a calm, short answer

"Thanks, I know you care about her. She's got words in both. We're keeping both."

Kind and firm: you respect the person and hold your decision.

Choices & Logic · Keep it light and keep going

(To the relative:) "Could be! We'll see how it goes." (To your child, in your language:) "Come on, shoes. Let's go and see the ducks."

No argument to win. You carry on with what you've chosen.

What's going on

A child learning two languages is building two word lists at once, so each list is shorter for a while. They learn each language from hearing it, so the one they hear more grows faster.

What it looks like day to day

Knowing 'milk' in one language and 'shoes' in the other, mixing both in one sentence, and understanding a grandparent they don't yet answer in the same language.

What the research supports

Following children from 22 to 30 months in families of similar income and education, bilingual children knew fewer words in each single language than monolingual children, but their total vocabulary across both was comparable, and how well they knew each language tracked how much of it they heard (Hoff 2012). A review written for parents takes up the questions parents ask most about raising a child with two languages (Byers-Heinlein & Lew-Williams 2013). If you're worried about how your child is talking, in any language, ask your pediatrician.

Where it's your call

One parent, one language; one language at home and another outside; or mixing as you go: families do all of these, and the research doesn't crown one. What a child needs is plenty of real talk in each language you want them to keep.

Sources

Each one links to the paper. How we check them is on the sources page.

Hoff E et al. (2012) · Journal of Child Language
Between 22 and 30 months, children learning two languages knew fewer words in each single language than monolingual children did, but their total vocabulary across both languages was comparable. Their skill in each language was related to how much of that language they heard.
Longitudinal comparison of bilingual and monolingual children · Children followed from 22 to 30 months, from families of similarly high socioeconomic status
PubMed(opens in a new tab)
Byers-Heinlein K et al. (2013) · LEARNing Landscapes
A review written to answer parents' most common questions about raising infants and toddlers with two languages, separating common myths from research findings.
Narrative review · Not applicable (review)
PubMed(opens in a new tab)

Hard moments land differently depending on how you were raised.

In the app, this guide comes with a short note for the pattern you'd like to leave behind, such as calm over anger, emotion validation, direct repair over silence and 9 more, and a new guide matched to your child's exact week. Free, no account, and nothing leaves your phone.

Get this matched to your child

This guide is parenting education, not medical advice. The scripts are examples to adapt, not tested treatments. If you're worried about your child's health or development, talk to your pediatrician.